13 Reasons Why I Believe I’ve Been Channeling A Parrot
(Otherwise titled: Why am I repeating myself… constantly?)

[…she wondered with a heavy sigh, before slamming her head into a brick wall just to make sure it was there… The wall, that is.]

1. “No, Jon, there aren’t any molesters outside right now.”
“No, Jon, no molesters are going to get you on your walk.”
“Okay, Jon, it’s a very small little block that you, and your sisters, are going to walk around to gather rocks. We have lots of very nice neighbors who will watch out for you. I will give your sister the phone, and you can call me for any reason, should you feel the need to, which you probably won’t ‘cuz there is no reason to be afraid. Now, if you wan’t to paint rocks later, you’re going to have to actually go outside and collect some.”

Side note: Okay, I’m a wee bit peeved here. I would like to know who the heck scared the bejeebers out of this child? It wasn’t me. He’s only eight years old. I would never have even used the term, “molester“, it conjures up too many nasties. (Yes, I know that’s not a real word, just roll with it.) Besides, then I would have to explain what a molester is, and what they do that causes them to be named as such. As far as I’m concerned, “bad person” and “bad things” is explanation enough for an eight year old. Even one as keenly intelligent as my step-son is.

Now don’t get me wrong. I believe that we need to empower our children with a certain amount of knowledge about the evils of this world; and to make them aware that evil comes in many shapes and sizes and finery and filth. Too, we should teach them basic forms of self defense and strategy. But for gosh sakes, one should not divulge so much ugliness that your child is terrified to venture outside at all. That, dear people, is most foul.

Thus is my opinion, and unless you can convince me otherwise; I’m sticking to it.

Carry on…

2. “Towels are for clean hands, not dirty floors.”
“Towels are for clean hands, not dirty hands.”
“Towels are for clean hands, not dirty tables.”
“Towels are for…
Clean hands, clean hands, clean hands! Augh! Doesn’t anybody understand this concept?”

(Isn’t this T13 fun?)

3. “Gloria, stop whining. It’s a game, have fun.”
“Gloria, I’m going to have to beat you if you don’t stop whining.”
“Gloria, really; it’s a blasted video game and whining isn’t allowed.”
“Gloria, tell ya what… Let’s play hide-n-seek, you go hide and I’ll count.”

[heh]

4. “If it doesn’t belong to you, keep your mugs off.”
“Why are you touching that? It doesn’t belong to you.”
“It’s mine, which means that it is not yours. Paws off.”

5. “Okay, who did this?”

6. “Where’s my stepstool?”
“Put the stepstool back away, please.”
“Why is my stepstool over there?”

7. “Wash your hands with soap and water.”

“Okay, this concept of washing hands actually involves a bit of soap and rubbing.”

“I see that you’ve used the soap this time. Wonderful. Now, let’s try it again, but this time you need to rub the soap all over your hands before you rinse it off.”

8. “Could you possibly be any more blonde?”

9. “You see that lovely brown stain? This is what happens when you forget to wipe?”

10. “Okay, I’m going to make a phone call now. This means that you must all be quiet and you must not interrupt my conversation. You must wait until I am finished talking and have hung up the phone before you talk to me. If the house is on fire, get out. If you’re bleeding to death, get a band aid, you have my permission. Okay? Got it? Great.”

“Do you see this thing attached to my ear that I’m talking into? It’s called a phone, and you, dear child, are not supposed to be talking to me while I’m talking on it. Now scram.”

11. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that you already know the answer. Skit, scat, scoodle-doot, flip-flop, flee; I am not going to meet you at the top of the coconut tree. Now scram. No, I’m serious… SHOO!”

12. “Do you think, there’s any possibility, whatsoever, that you could give me just five little minutes of peace and quiet? Please, for the love of Pete, no more questions. I don’t care how smart Daddy told you that I am, I cannot possibly handle being asked another question. If you persist, I shall hang you by your toes and tickle you until you puke. Now go. Scram. Be gone with the lot of you before I chop you up and throw you in the stew.”

“Is there some reason WHY you couldn’t have asked Daddy that question? He was right there. Me, you had to hunt down and I happened to be on the phone. Do you see my point?”

13. Stacy: “Everyone get dressed now and go outside to play.”
Jon: “Do I have to?”
Stacy: “Yes.”
Jon: “For how long?”
Stacy: “Until I say so.”
Jon: “How long will that be?”
Stacy: “Look, Jon, it’s called sunshine and it just so happens to be good for you. Now go.”
Jon: “Can I come in for lunch?”
Stacy: “No, Jon. I’m going to lock the door as soon as you leave, and you can’t come back in until dark. No lunch, no dinner, no nothing because I want to make you suffer horribly. How’s that?”
Jon: “But there’s nothing to do out there.”
Stacy: [sigh] “We have a swingset, play on that. Or ride your bike.”
Jon: “My tires are flat.”
Stacy: “Then bring some cars outside and draw roads on the patio with chalk. It’s called fun, Jon, and sometimes ya just have to make it all by yourself.”
Jon: “I don’t like cars anymore. Cars are boring.”
Stacy: “Fine, Jon, go outside and pout, if you must. Don’t have any fun. But, you will go outside.”
Jon: “When can I come in?”
Stacy: “Just go, Jon, I’ll let you know when it’s time to come in. Now scram, before I start to gnash my teeth and growl furiously.”

Yeesh. You’d think the kid was a vampire, or something. He never wants to go outside and play. Then again, maybe it’s really because of #1 above? Ah well, tomorrow we’ll paint some rocks. You can’t get much more exciting than that!