Another email funny from Aunt Joan …

Posted on Wednesday 29 March 2006

Hospital Patient Chart Bloopers:

The following are supposed to be statements written on actual patient charts. I don’t know if these are true bloopers, or not; but they’re darn funny.

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Stacy @ 10:48 pm
Filed under: Humor
100 Mighty Dycks On The Blog …

Posted on Tuesday 28 March 2006

Stacy: “The Mighty Dyckerson commented on our blog tonight, Dear. Apparently he has issues with Elmer Fudd. Oh … and it looks like he has reviewed our blog.”

{ Stacy clicked on the link to “Dyck’d“, then chuckled heartily}

“You’ve got to see this … The Mighty Dyckerson has given us 100 dycks, Dear. Either he really likes us, or he’s truly terrified that he may have to give up his … {ahem} … private time.”

Bob: “100 Dycks! Can you handle that many?”

{Stacy smiled sweetly}

Bob: “Has anyone else been Dycked like this before?”

Stacy: “Of course not, silly. You know how good I am at charming the pa- … Uh, I’m quite the schmoozer when I want to be. Although, I see that Jodi @ Unbalanced Absurdity came close with 40 dycks.”

Bob: “Only 40? You just blew them all away, didn’t you? So, now that you’ve gotten 100 Dycks, what are you going to do next?”

{Stacy stretched languorously}

Stacy: “Mmmm, I think I may need to go lie down for a bit. Care to join me?”

{Bob grinned before answering}

Bob: “If you’re not too tired.”

Stacy: “Never too tired for you, Love.”

***Aaannnddd CUT!***

Stacy @ 11:14 pm
Filed under: Blog Friends and Blogging and Humor
Damn! I Miss The Good Ol’ Days (…and what I’ve learned from Harvey Comics).

Posted on Tuesday 28 March 2006

I remember the good ol’ days. Back in 1974, I was a mere nine year old, freckle-faced, redheaded sprite. We lived in a one-room shack on the edge of an apple orchard. My mom, alcoholic step-father, my older brother (by three years), me, and a Chihuahua named Tippy. No TV to occupy my time. Yet somehow, I believe if we did have one at the time; I wouldn’t have spent my life in front of a boob tube anyhow. Nope. Reading was my thing. I loved getting lost in a good book. A trip to the library was a grand treat, indeed. However, I recall how excited I used to get when my mom placed a quarter in my hand. It is one of my fondest childhood memories. As soon as that shiny metal hit my palm, I smiled from ear to ear. I was the luckiest kid in the world!

Yup. I would tuck my treasure into my pocket, (or my sock), and then hop on my high-backed banana seat, and pedal like mad. Down to the local Mom n Pop store I would go; riding like the wind. Even though it was a downhill path all the way into town; I couldn’t get there fast enough. My little legs furiously tore into my bike pedals, spinning them so fast that I had to swing my red, (thrift store purchased), Converse sheathed feet out to the side. Woo Hoo! Is there anything more exhilerating than flying!?

Why was I off to the local dime store in such a hurry? To trade my shiny treasure for something better, of course. Two comics and a candy bar! I loved comics! Chocolate, of course, was a given. *heh*

I can’t help but feel a pang of loss now. Not for me, but for my children. In giving them more tangible items than I ever had growing up; I’ve cheated them. I’ve taken away their ability to imagine. I’ve stole their sense of adventure and fun. I’ve buried their creativity.

When the PS1, PS2, Gamecube, or N64 has exhausted their attention span, they turn to me and say, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do.” We have an entire wall full of DVD’s, which the children shrug their shoulders at and say, “I’ve already seen them all.” We have nearly a hundred channels to peruse on our TV; yet they cannot find anything good to watch. We have a shelf, (piled high), with numerous board games; yet these are all “too boring, not any fun“. Outside, we have a wooden swingset, complete with a climbing wall, club house, monkey bars, dual-swing, and a slide. Gosh forbid, I should mention the shelves and shelves of books we have. Sure, they read … but it’s “not exciting enough” for them.

Feck if that doesn’t make me want to cry.

My brother and I used to play army. Our mom couldn’t afford to buy us those little, green, plastic soldiers; but did that stop us? No. When put to task pitting cherries for jam; we each amassed our own plump, round, red armies. We had a blast attacking, pulverising, and dive-bombing our cherry soldiers. To our delight, their wounds would open up and spurt red goo, just like the real thing! Oh yeah, it became a contest of who could inflict the most damage then. By the time we finished pitting for mom, we were covered in cherry juice. *chuckle* I’m surprised we ever left enough cherries for jam. THAT my friends, was fun!

I enjoyed life to the fullest. I rode my bike. I read comic books, magazines, and novels. I killed cherries and zapped ants with a magnifying glass. I ate peanut butter and honey sandwiches, often. I plucked a fresh-from-the-tree apple, from Farmer Brown’s orchard, every morning on the way to the school bus stop. I played tag and hide-n-go-seek with my friends. I climbed trees. I colored, painted, and drew gosh awful pictures (we’re talking stick people, here). I wrote short-stories, poetry, and letters to pals. I stomped through puddles on a rainy day and captured water spiders in the irrigation canals. (They don’t bite … or at least, they never bit me.) I went for walks in the woods, all the while pretending to slay dragons and rescue Knights in distress. I had tea parties with my Raggedy Ann doll. I swam in the pond, or the river, or the lake.

I made my fun, folks. I didn’t ask my mother to become my personal entertainment director. I may have been considered dirt poor, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t make the best of it.

Um, what just happened here? I think I got a bit sidetracked. All I really wanted to do was express how much I miss my “Harvey Comics”, and tell ya the lessons I learned from these comicbook characters. So let’s get back to that, shall we?

Wendy taught me optimism:

Richie Rich taught me that one of the greatest treasures in life is friendship:

Spooky taught me that gruff people have loving hearts too:

Hot Stuff taught me how to be a clever, mischievous, yet lovable brat:

Casper taught me tolerance:

Harvey Comics: Ya gotta love ‘em!

Stacy @ 2:52 pm
Filed under: Journal
I Love Me Some Mighty Dyck!

Posted on Sunday 26 March 2006

The Mighty Dyck!
(Image pilfered from The Mighty Dyckerson @ Dyck’d. I hope he’s the forgiving sort. *heh*)

Stacy: “Um, Bob, dear … would you mind if I made a blog post titled, “I Love Me Some Mighty Dyck?”"

Bob: “Are you bragging about me again?”

Stacy: (*smiled ever-so-sweetly*) “Not this time, dear. I’ve found a rather endearing, and uh … slightly dangerous clown to brag about, but I’m fairly certain you’ll like him.”

Bob: “Is this about that thing we talked about? Because you know I’m not quite ready … wait a minute. Did you say a clown?”

Stacy: “Yes. Is that a problem?”

Bob: “Hmmm. It might help, but isn’t that a little kinky for you?”

Stacy: “Well … I suppose that depends on whether he gives us one, two, three, four, or five dycks, Dear.”

Bob: (*speechless*)

Stacy: (*chuckled*) “Remember those self-proclaimed bitches that reviewed our blog awhile back? You know, the ones that had no clue how to read a blog post or comprehend acerbic wit? You said that their blog would be well and good if they actually bothered to read the blogs in question, instead of pandering to the lowest common denominator.

(In this case, ‘denominator’ is a euphemism for ‘IQ’.)

Bob: (*Bob’s brow furrowed as he dreaded the connection between clowns and ‘the bitches’.*)

Stacy:The Mighty Dyckerson has started a review blog in order to give ‘the bitches’ some competition; and ya know what? He actually reads the blogs before writing up his reviews. From what I’ve seen of his blog, (even though he has a bit of a potty mouth), this clown appears to have a functioning brain. Also, he was quite the gentleman when I chatted briefly with him via email. Cool beans, eh?” (*Stacy ended with a mischievous glint in her eyes*)

Bob: *A light dawned in Bob’s eyes.* “Aah! A blog reviewer! I thought… nevermind.” *cleared throat* “So… a blog reviewer. …with a brain? Is this like a quantum leap in evolution or something? …or perhaps a sign of the coming apocalypse? Should I be checking the supplies in the bomb shelter?”

Stacy: *chuckled* “Perhaps. So, whaddaya say? Shall I go with my post title? I could change it to, ‘There’s a new clown in town’, I suppose. But, it just doesn’t have the same impact. Besides, I want the Mighty Dyckerson to know that we applaud his ingenious act of cyberwar. *winked*

Bob: “Well, I’m totally in support of anyone who wants to take on ‘the bitches’. Hmmm. Honey, if you think this Dyck will be good for you, then I say, ‘Go get Dyck’d and don’t stop until you’re satisfied!’ As for the title, I think it’s fairly obvious that you do love some Mighty Dyck.”

Stacy: “Awww, thank you sweetheart. I knew you’d understand.”

Stacy @ 11:36 pm
Filed under: Blog Friends and Blogging and Dream Diary
Satirical Sunday

Posted on Sunday 26 March 2006

It’s the weekend, folks. I don’t want to spend it sitting on my bum. I want to go outside and enjoy the sunshine for a bit. So, I did a bit of surfing to bring you these entertaining pics. All you need do is scroll down, view the pics, and have a few chuckles and grins on the house. After that, get off your own bum and go do something fun, will ya? ;)

btw … I found all of these on the WWW @ http://www.newhumanist.com/humor.html

I’m claiming, (as NewHumanist.com did), “fair use” of the material shown below. ;)


All righty then … that’s enough for one day. If you need more, or if you’re into political humor, check out NewHumanist’s website.

I’m gonna go play on the swingset with the kids.

Have a grand day!

Stacy @ 3:49 pm
Filed under: Humor
Freaky Friday …

Posted on Friday 24 March 2006


In lieu of not having anything all that interesting to say right now; I bring you the freaky and bizarre …
I’m not sure which is freakier here?
1.) A two-headed cow.
2.) The fact that someone actually wanted this stuffed and mounted on their wall.
(Which do you find more bizarre?)


This is just … wrong.
Poor Kitty


This is beyond wrong … it’s totally freakin’ warped! I mean really … WHY?
Coffin Calendar Girls


Cartoon Characters Gone Bad:

This is what happens when Mrs. Fields runs out of cookies.

Pooh Bear forgot to take his Prozac.

Bert & Ernie
“Up In Smoke”

Ernie: “You wanna get high man?”
Bert: “Does Oscar got green fluffy balls man?”

“Yo, Bert … lookit the tiny circle man. When you move your head closer, it like, totally looks groovy man.”

*heh*

I guess ya had to see the movie to get that one.

*snicker*

I’m outta here … if I should happen to have a flash of brilliance; I’ll be sure to pop back in and share the glow.

Yeah, I’m not right today.

This is what happens when my hubby keeps me up until midnight and then I must wake all bright-eyed at 4 a.m. to taxi him to work.

I’m slap-happy folks! Things could get scary around here …

*grin*

Have a fantastical Friday!

Stacy @ 7:11 am
Filed under: Journal